06. The Gentle Goal Era

On softening the grind.

In the book The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science, one case study dives into the impact of using “conditioning” versus “shaping” to try to change behavior. Conditioning is a form of learning based on the work of B. F. Skinner, in which the motivation for a behavior happens after the behavior occurs. An animal or a human receives a consequence after performing a specific, desired behavior. However, shaping offers a reward or praise for even the slightest shift or movement toward the desired behavior and is now used to successfully rehabilitate people who have suffered from strokes and other brain injuries.

I find goal setting exciting but always approach it with militant accuracy; either I did or did not achieve a goal or an exceptionally aspirational New Year resolution. I’m maybe five years strong and not fluent in Spanish, Italian, and French, but I set the goal over and over again. But when I read about the concept of shaping, I thought it applied beautifully to goal setting, especially during the chaotic motherhood season. In that spirit, I set some “gentle goals” for myself. More as psychic posts in the back of my mind to shape me daily.

1. Think about posture. This post made me extra aware of what the shape of our body is telling us every moment. Especially while breastfeeding and rocking a little human to sleep, I find my body slowly but surely rounding into a lovely hunchback. Instead of punishing myself, I check in and see how my back feels, where it might feel stuck, and what movement or re-alignment might help me through the day.

2. Listen every time. Sometimes, when I’m too excited when talking to people, particularly people I love and find inspiring, I’ll start to talk over them or jump in when they haven’t finished their thoughts. Not to mention, I think I’m part of a generation that forgot the grace of a slight pause in conversation, trying to re-learn a slower, more attuned pace of communicating.

3. Support community. When I was pregnant, my primal urge to nest and hide away from the world was strong. I just wanted to stay in, nourish myself, and connect with the little life form growing inside of me. Now, the desire to find and connect with other sister mamas is so strong, and reading Hunt, Gather, Parent made me appreciate the importance of community in the postpartum haze (but really through this whole journey).

4. Always make extra food. Holy heck, the hunger of the breastfeeding body makes the hunger of the pregnant body seem like a cute picnic in the park. I don’t know why it feels so weird to make two extra salmon when we cook or double the meatball recipe for spaghetti, but it makes such a difference to have that extra food in the fridge for breakfasts, lunches, and leftover dinners (the holy grail.)

5. Read every week. The difference in the buzz in my brain when I spend hours reading instead of on the internet astounds me. I used to be a book snob and only thought “real” reading was the physical act of opening a book, a mug of coffee, or tea nearby. I’m in book snob recovery and am embracing the reality of my life with bebé, which means many walks outside listening to audiobook after audiobook and loving every celebrity-narrated moment of it.

6. Connect with family regularly. This one hits deep because I feel like a different person after I check in with my parents, sisters, and chosen family members. As the Stoics remind us, we are not promised another day with the people we love.

7. Get outside every day. This might be the most important, even though it seems so small. If I get outside, my mood, sleep, and memory improve, so my chances of accomplishing any of the above go up exponentially. My mother-in-law sent me this podcast that challenges parents to choose “green time” over “screen time.” Three hours a day outside feels like a lot, but it’s a good gentle stretch goal.

What gentle goals would you choose? What hard goals would you toss out the window?